Desperately Seeking something….

August 28, 2007 lielani

Before the sun. Drove to the beach, stereo blasting. As I get closer I can smell the ocean. I love California. I walked down to my favorite thinking bench, my green and white blanket wrapped around my shoulders. Watched the sun rise behind me. Wondered what I’m doing with my life. Yes. I get to have an epiphany every once in a while.
“who doesn’t long for, someone to hold. Who knows how to love you, without being told.”

What do I want in a soulmate? What do I dream of in a partner? Can I find a man with the romantic passion that I need? That allows my kinks and infamous sex addiction? The man I get weak in the knees for just seeing him across a crowded room. The love that great men like Sinatra, and Nat King Cole taught me to dream of. When one night I dream of kissing and making love, then the next I need a four hour session to get by? Looking back I have a star crossed battle between the sweet girl and the sex fiend.

Last week I went on a sex binge. I drug my friend into the dressing room to get some before my scene, then had the obvious sex in my boy/girl scene. I then took my friend back in the bathroom for our second stint of the day. After that I needed more. I was craving more. Lollipop in mouth I drove to another friends house for another hour session. Yes. You’ve added them correctly, four sessions in one afternoon. From 11 am to 5 pm. And I came… Its not from lack of satisfaction. I then went home and vibed myself to sleep. Mr. Pink and I had a great evening. That’s my vibrator. We’re spending more and more time together. I think I’m desperately trying to find that match I had previously. The man who’d take me after a scene and tear me in half. Who I’d drive an hour and a half just to have wild crazy sex then drive home. I’ve never felt sexier than on top of him. And I’m submissive, I love to be the bottom. But he made me feel so confident up there. Now he’s so far away. We seem to miss each others calls more and more these days the busier I get. Just hearing his voice on my messages I get wet and a little weak. I miss him terribly. And I think. HOW fucking lame I must be.

I didn’t have love with him, not even lust. He was just another guy to get my rocks off. I want roses, and candles. I want kisses and dancing in the rain. But can I find a guy to give me all of this, that also wants to share our bed with another girl? That’ll choke me and pull my hair. That will take me the minute we walk through the door, just lift my skirt and get me off. So sunrise, this is it. What kid am I going to grow up to be? The sex addict looking for the next orgasm… Or the sweet girl who wants a promise ring and a dozen roses? Can’t I be both?

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. anthony8707  |  August 28, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    You can be both. This picture is excellent. It sums up the entry quite well. To me it says, “Hold me tender, then crack me open like a buttermilk biscuit!” Keep them coming. I like your posts.

  • 2. thomtrudi  |  September 9, 2007 at 1:25 am

    Keep trying cutie. You are even read in Paris ! And God knows, we French know how it is difficult to find the real Love. But it is worth it ! You shouldn’t have to surrender a part of yourself, every human being can find his special one who understand his whole personality however complex it can seams. Never lose Hope, never surrender !

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